By Bob Strauss

Most guys would rather fling themselves into a pit of flesh-eating zombies than grapple with the age-old dating issues they’re truly terrified by. Here are some things you should be careful not to say — the equivalent of sneaking up behind your boyfriend and yelling “Boo!”

“Does your bathroom always look like this?"
Granted, a three-hour burst of frenzied scrubbing is no substitute for diligent, long-term maintenance. Guys are terrified of coming across as slobs, so better to praise the 45 percent that’s clean than criticise the 55 percent that’s not.

“By the way, we’re having dinner with Edward and Diane next week.”
If a guy’s not scared enough that you’re already doing “couple” things, scheduling them without consultation (and especially during Match of the Day) is sure to make him run screaming into the night.

“You’re not really going to wear that, are you?"
Just because we’ve been dressing ourselves for twenty or thirty years doesn’t mean we’re not open to suggestions. But most guys, when they hear this question, break out in a cold sweat and picture themselves in a tutu and ballet slippers.

“Don’t worry, kitty won’t bite.”
No, she won’t bite, but she’ll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It’s a known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent of guys are terrified of cats.

“I don’t think I care for your friend Jimmy.”
So what if Jimmy covered your back on the Football pitch when you were younger and you’ve been bosom buddies ever since? No guy wants a new relationship to crowd out his old friends. More to the point, no guy wants his old friends to accuse him of being “whipped” by his new gal pal.

“What are you thinking?"
Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here’s a peek into the average guy’s thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean the bathroom?

“My mum and dad really want to meet you.”
No guy expects to be liked by his girlfriend’s parents; mild disapproval would be a good outcome, and homicidal loathing is always a distinct possibility. And, of course, today’s girlfriend’s mum is tomorrow’s mother-in-law.

“You were snoring, so I slept on the couch.”
One of the great things about being alone, and then not being alone, is all the wonderful things you learn about your sleeping habits. Go easy on the revelations; if things work out, you and your beau will have plenty of time to accommodate each others’ nocturnal quirks.

“Great news! My sister/friend/cousin is engaged/married/pregnant.”
Competition, from a guy’s point of view, is a powerful thing. It may or may not be what you intended, but when your boyfriend hears this, he visualises himself with a big red target painted on his back. (Or some other part of his anatomy.)

“Does this dress make my hips look big?"
I once knew a guy who ripped his own head off rather than answer this question. Believe me, he’s much better off.