Q&A withChris Knutsen
By Dawn Yanek
Read the Article at russellgrant.match.com
Q. What is it about commitment that generally scares the bejesus out of men?
A. When a man is phobic, I imagine it’s the same fear that drives women away: Can that rush of passion that drew you to each other actually last? In “Committed,” David Sedaris writes about the challenge of staying alive to your partner’s needs. One of his strategies is to comb the papers and jot down topics that he can drop casually into conversation so that dinnertime talk never grows stale.
Q. As you collected these essays from guys, was there one that resonated most for you?
A. Tad Friend’s story really resonated with me—how you can’t easily expunge old relationship ghosts. They’re always hanging around. His girlfriend wanted to him to get a new mattress, and he said, “Shouldn’t you be angry at my sheets?" I’ve been married for almost four years, and when my wife first moved into my place, it was a problem that I’d been there with another woman.
Q. How did you exorcise that demon?
A. Tad got a new mattress; I got a new apartment. It was a big help, because we could emotionally invest in a new place together.
Q: Please shed some light on a few not-so-endearing guy-isms. Number one: When a guy says, “I need some space,” what the heck does that really mean?
A. That could mean anything from “It’s over—erase me from your speed-dial” to “If you walk away now, I’ll never forgive you.” Men sometimes put up smoke screens to give themselves time to figure out their next move. Women do this, too.
Q. Number two: What’s going on when a guy is crazy about a girl—then suddenly vanishes?
A. It’s called being a total idiot. Or an emotional fraud. If he’s truly crazy about her and lets her go, he’s got a problem. It may be insecurity or immaturity. Some guys are scared of losing an earlier life they had. That’s not the woman’s fault.
Q. What ultimately motivates men to embrace commitment and stay faithful?
A. I think it’s a combination of reaching a level of self-awareness and finding the right woman. Also, some men need to do things in their own time and space to feel safe. A person who stays of his own free will is much less likely to stray than one who’s coerced by clinging or neediness.
Q. Is making a commitment always a struggle?
A. Some of these stories read like mini war stories. The battle to get into a committed relationship is both potentially with your partner and with yourself. A lot of times, it’s about a man battling his own demons and figuring out why he’s afraid of or just bad at being in a relationship. And that fact — that men are trying to figure it out — is hopeful: Men are not as helpless at commitment as our culture often makes us think they are.
Dawn Yanek, author of Women’s Best-Kept Secrets, writes often about relationships.
Article courtesy of Happen magazine, www.happenmag.com.