By Dave Singleton

Dear Dave,
About six months ago, I fell for a guy named Mark who I met through an online personal ad. We are both 34. I have been out now for 13 years and my longest relationship was a year and a half. He’s new to being gay. This is his longest relationship with a guy.

We enjoy each other’s company, are very attracted to each other, and share some interests, like politics. We have great dinners and talk on the phone daily. He’s unlike the typical “gay scene” guys I was dating. It’s refreshing, Dave, to not date a guy who is obsessed with what can be a really small and shallow gay world. My last relationship was with what I’d call a gay socialite. He was only interested in parties, clubs and being seen in all the right places. It was unfulfilling and I don’t miss it.

Mark, on the other hand, has no gay friends, avoids gay places and, in general, is really closeted. His family and friends don’t know he’s gay. After six months, I haven’t met one of his friends.

Seeing Mark has been a break from all the aspects of gay dating and gay life that wore thin for me. But I feel like I am living a lie. I keep telling him that two people can’t live on an island, but he says he’s not interested in changing. Where do I go from here?
-Trapped in Mark’s Closet with Him[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]Dear Trapped,
Dating a man on the down low is not easy, especially over the long haul.

Your letter is an interesting variation on the coming-out queries I receive, in which closeted guys usually write for advice on how to live openly as gay men. You are asking me how, and if, you can thrive in a closet after years as an out and proud gay man.

Mark is in the closet for any number of reasons. Maybe his reluctance to come out is based on fear of family reprisal, societal disapproval, losing his job or his son, or some combination of those. For some, coming out can be like a big party, in which the gay guy explodes in a cloud of rainbow-covered shrapnel through the closet door into gayland. For others, coming out happens slowly in stages, if at all.

Whatever his reasons, the fact is that you are in different places. You might understand someone’s reasons for staying in the closet. But you don’t have to accept staying in his closet with him. My guess is that Mark offered you a welcome vacation from the overly fast-paced whirl of gay life you experienced before you met him. But maybe you are at a point where you need to rejoin the world in a new, more fulfilling way. You don’t have to limit yourself to the gay party scene anymore. Maybe you are ready to morph into a new role as “partner in an honest, integrated relationship, with a big world of family and friends.”

At this point in your life, I would not advise you to date closeted men. Closeted men are not emotionally available men. When push comes to shove, they have too much invested in secrets to put you first. Though it’s painful in the short term to consider moving on, understand that staying in his closet is like building your romantic castle on shifting sand. This cliché is true: To love and accept another, we must first love and accept ourselves.

Of course, there are degrees of “closetedness.” Not every gay couple wants to walk down the street holding hands. Even happy and healthy couples disagree on how open they want to be in various settings. But it’s clearly a problem when the guy isn’t able to say that he’s gay and hides his sexual orientation (and you) from the most important people in his life.

If fear and shame are holding Mark back, then you are up against two powerful forces that could pull you down. A close relationship with someone so uncomfortable in his own skin could rub off on you, adversely impacting the self-esteem that you worked hard to achieve. In other words, do you want to go backwards in your life to a time when fears and insecurities kept you in a closet?

Though I can see what drew you to Mark in the first place (i.e., he’s a nice guy, physical attraction, a welcome break from the gay scene), I can’t see you being happy in a relationship like this long term. Talk to Mark and tell him what you need. But remember that people only change on their own schedules. You don’t know what his is, and he’s indicated he doesn’t want to change at all. In a perfect world, he’d choose an open life with you over life in the closet. But based on my research with men in similar positions, chances are that the changes you’ll need to be happy won’t happen fast enough or be significant enough.

---

Dave Singleton is the author of the recent bestseller The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating, a funny but completely true set of rules about the making (or breaking) of gay romantic relationships, featuring interviews with over 175 gay men. His next book, Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight), is available now. Please send your advice questions to AskDave@match.com or Dave@davesingleton.com.