By Dave Singleton

Dear Dave,
After being single for four years, I really want to meet the woman of my dreams. I have sabotaged some potentially good dates because I was commitment-phobic, and I’ve isolated myself out of fear—I haven’t felt like being out there, but I think I am ready now. Finding romance is my one and only New Year’s resolution. Is that realistic? Any advice?
-Looking for Love in 2009[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]Dear Love in 2009,
You aren’t alone. Finding a romantic partner is one of the top New Year’s resolutions for single gays and lesbians. It’s right up there with losing weight, finding a new job, and continuing the fight for equal rights.

Is finding love a realistic resolution? It is if you feel ready for romance and are realistic in your approach. You want to be sure that your quest is to start of a new chapter in your life, rather than a desperate attempt to fix your life overnight.

To find out, I suggest that you ask yourself the following questions:

• Is my goal reasonable? Set a realistic goal, such as: “I will put myself out there more, initiate connections, and be emotionally available.” Avoid unrealistic goals, such as: “I will date ten women and fall in love with one of them by February 14th.” In other words, commit to doing what you can do, which is to change your attitudes and behavior. Remember that you can’t guarantee an outcome, and your best dating efforts might not result in roses and chocolates by Valentine’s Day, but this doesn’t mean that you should give up.
• Do I have a plan that can actually work? I don’t mean to suggest that you should date 50 women. Quantify by writing down your plan, which could include steps like: Create an online profile; agree to respond to a certain number of ads; and/or commit to regular mixing and mingling with other singles by joining an athletic league or cultural group.
• Am I ready to begin by actively improving my life? Don’t hang all hopes for the New Year on a lover who’ll sweep you off of your feet and out of the doldrums. Instead, get out of the doldrums first and then see who’s out there. The best place to meet someone is where you’re involved in an activity that you enjoy, whether it’s volunteering or participating in an activity you like. Do what it takes to be happy in your life and with yourself. If you follow your interests, you’ll be a more attractive date.

Once you’ve carefully considered these questions and deemed yourself ready, it’s time to face your fears and get out there again! With endless options for meeting prospects these days, you can almost always find a date. If you’re scared, consider these tips to help you tackle your fear and get back in the game:

1. Actions speak louder than words. When someone catches your eye, are you too scared to approach for fear of saying the wrong thing? The simple, straightforward approach is best. If you are genuinely interested in speaking with someone, that will come across. Remember that 80% of communication is nonverbal so let your eyes do most of the talking.
2. Let go of the past. Buddhist doctrine states that pain is caused by attachment. I’d add that dating pain is caused by attachment to the past. Don’t let past fears or behavior stop you. After you start dating, don’t let bad dates sour you. You don’t want to be so strung out from dating a series of Ms. Wrongs that you aren’t ready when Ms. Right comes along.
3. Be true to your standards (and if you don’t have any, get some). Miserable dating experiences result from either having ridiculous standards or none at all. It’s important to have standards about what you want, but focus on standards that are reasonable and attainable.
4. Remember to flex your flirting muscle. Would you be surprised if your muscles atrophied after weeks of skipping the gym? Of course not. Keep exercising your flirtation muscle so that you won’t be rusty when someone who rocks your world comes along.

Bottom line: Since it’s easy to feel defeated if a few dates don’t go your way, accept that you will experience highs and lows. Follow the tips above to overcome your fears. Periodically check in with someone you trust to make sure you are staying on track. But most importantly, resolve to have a great time dating in 2009!

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Dave Singleton is the author of the recent bestseller The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating, a funny but completely true set of rules about the making (or breaking) of gay romantic relationships, featuring interviews with over 175 gay men. His next book, Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight), is available now. Please send your advice questions to AskDave@match.com or contact him via his website www.davesingleton.com.