By Dave Singleton

Dear Dave,
I’m a 29-year-old gay man who’s been dating a guy I met online about eight weeks ago. We’re very attracted to each other and equally interested in a relationship. My problem is that he’s big into public displays of affection everywhere we go. At first, I noticed it when he wanted to hold hands outside after our second dinner date. Last week at a friend’s party, he wanted to kiss in front of my friends and then got irritated when I was uncomfortable with that. He thinks I am uptight about this. I’ve never been in this situation before… Any suggestions for how to handle?

– Not a PDA Fan[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]Dear Not a PDA Fan,
Your dilemma is more common than you might think. For straight people, wanting different levels of PDA can be a garden-variety dating issue. For gays and lesbians, PDA differences can turn political. A good example is the outrageous PDA that often goes on during Pride parades. The modest accuse the flamboyant of “acting out” for show as opposed to reasons of real intimacy and of lessening our chances for mainstream acceptance. The flamboyant think the modest need to loosen up.

This same sentiment can crop up during everyday dating as a gay person: If you’re not into PDA, sometimes you’re perceived as uptight because you’re un-evolved or closeted. In truth, it could be that the anti-PDA person is totally out, but simply prefers to express his affection in private. Or maybe this individual is indeed uncomfortable with “going public” with his sexual identity. Complicating matters more is that there is obviously a double standard applied to us by society. If a straight couple walks down the street holding hands, no one thinks twice. If a gay couple does, some think we’re “flaunting” ourselves.

Since gays and lesbians have lots of unresolved issues around PDA, how do you determine when public displays of affection are appropriate? How do we handle the double standard that society imposes on us? What do you do when your date or partner is overly demonstrative and you are shy and retiring? How do we draw the line between pleasing other people and pleasing ourselves?

To answer these questions, consider these guidelines:

• Nix the double standard. Make sure that whatever rules you apply to PDA are the same you apply to everyone, gay or straight. For the most part, you don’t see gay people cringing at a straight couple kissing on the street. We’re used to it. Behavior outside current norms will make some people uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Real affection expressed modestly in public is fine, though for years gays and lesbians didn’t even consider the possibility that we were entitled to it. Being loving and open is also wonderful behavior to model for other gays and lesbians who may be struggling with the issue. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Change happens when people push for it. If minorities waited for the rest of the world to recognize our rights, we’d all be sitting in the back of the bus.
• Communicate your preference. If you’re just modest and shy compared to your new boyfriend, then make your preferences known as a neutral style choice rather than a fear-based reaction. If you like him and attraction isn’t the issue (sounds like it’s not), then sometimes partners need to find some common ground when one wants to be a little more demonstrative with each other in public. Perhaps holding hands is OK with you after dinner, while making out on a street corner isn’t. Or perhaps you’re OK with making out in the lobby of your building or in the elevator as long as others aren’t right there, staring at you. Open up the discussion — not in the heat of the moment — and see what kind of compromises you can develop. Hopefully, it’ll be a fun, creative challenge for the two of you.
• Stay vigilant. Sadly, we still have to be on guard as we push for equal rights. A pioneering stance is a lot easier to maintain when you are in a comfort zone (e.g., gay urban centers like D.C.’s Dupont Circle, the Castro in San Francisco, or Greenwich Village and Chelsea in NYC). PDA dangers for gays and lesbians are real, so be aware of aggression from homophobes. In some situations, it’s smart to stay keenly aware of who is around and completely reasonable to modify your behavior based on what kind of reaction you’re getting. That’s true for anyone, straight or gay.

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Dave Singleton is the author of the recent bestseller The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating, a funny but completely true set of rules about the making (or breaking) of gay romantic relationships, featuring interviews with over 175 gay men. His next book, Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight), is available now. Please send your advice questions to AskDave@match.com or contact him via his website www.davesingleton.com.