By Francyne R. Ellison

Ashton and Demi, Tom and Katie: The gossip rags are full of couples with lopsided relationship histories. But these partnerships aren’t just Hollywood creations. At some point, most of us will find ourselves in a relationship where we have a lot more — or less — experience than our partner. Perhaps one half of the couple has been married before and the other hasn’t, or maybe one has more of a sexual history than the other. No matter where the imbalance occurs, the relationship can work if you follow three simple rules.

1. Discuss the difference
Maybe you were married to someone straight after you finished college and now don’t know the etiquette for calling after a first date. Or perhaps you share undeniable chemistry with someone who’s a good 10 or more years younger. In either case, opening up can help you both be sure you’re comfortable with the disparity in question. A relationship is a learning experience, and you won’t gain equal footing in one weekend, but talking takes the pressure off you to “seem” experienced if you’re not, or to usher a babe-in-the-woods type into the world of grown up relationships. “People often worry that they’ll be judged based on their lack of experience,” says Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ph.D., author of Performance Addiction and The Power of Empathy. “Focusing on that only creates anxiety instead of allowing the relationship to be a natural process.”

When Sally met a guy she thought might be The One, she was stressed about admitting her lack of sexual experience. She worked up the nerve to ask questions like, “How do you feel about not going all the way yet, sexually?” and “Would you rather have a girlfriend who has had more experience?” Eventually her boyfriend opened up to her, and she found out they actually shared many of the same viewpoints and what others might call inhibitions. Only once she established boundaries were they able to continue their relationship in earnest. As partners, they both fully understood and respected one another’s limits and were therefore able to commit.

2. Help level the playing field… gradually
Let’s say there’s an experience gap, and you two are interested in bridging it. Get ready for some give-and-take. If you are both interested in pursuing an intimate relationship, but one person is considerably less experienced, you need to be extra-communicative. Here’s how Dr. Ciaramicoli sums up the scenario: “If I’m a great dancer and you’re not, I have to accept dancing at your level of skill. Ultimately, if I am a good teacher, we will both dance well.” And the responsibility doesn’t all fall on the more experienced partner’s shoulder, either: If you’re the newbie, suggest activities that make you comfortable; maybe something that makes you curious, because your partner may be used to only doing certain things.

Consider this situation from Brenda Coates: She grew up in a very religious household but went through a rebellious streak at university. Now she’s back to dating what she calls “religeous types,” but says being honest with men about her past experiences rather than playing naïve helps her relationships. In terms of intimacy, she may suggest things to her boyfriend, but asks him how he feels about each activity. This guarantees her needs are met while letting her help him retain his boundaries.

When your budding relationship involves an age gap, you also need to work toward common ground and each person feeling as if he or she has something to share. Cynthia Smith, a 50-year-old lady, faced this challenge with her much-younger boyfriend. “He’s good to talk to, but he can’t always give me advice on what to do, because he just doesn’t have the life experience to draw on,” she says. Instead of making him feel like less of a man for not being able to guide her, Cynthia consults him on other topics where he’s experienced — like car repairs or exercise advice — to help him get used to her leaning on him sometimes.

3. Congratulate yourselves for trying
The point of seeing someone is to have fun together, so make that your priority. Sooner or later, something uncomfortable will happen, like one partner making an inaccurate assumption or going too far past his or her boundaries while trying something new and needing to retreat for awhile afterward. Just remember that all couples go through this, and it’s not a sign that you’re not “something” enough to date this particular person. “Allow yourself and your partner to be vulnerable,” says Dr. Ciaramicoli. “Making a mistake does not make the relationship a mistake.” Focusing too much on your differences will make you overly self-conscious and possibly ready to abandon something when one of these hiccups does occur. Instead, chalk it up to the sign of a relationship that’s moving forward and make an effort to thank your partner for his or her patience and for trying. That reinforcement will help him or her realise that it’s all worth it rather than worrying that he or she has upset you.

Renee Sharp once dated a man who had tons in common with her: Politics, religion, community activities, work, and more. But she soon found out that her boyfriend didn’t want kids, a challenge for this single mum who had tons of experience with parenting. “We just decided to take things one day at a time,” she says. Being around a 10-year-old was awkward for her boyfriend at first, but he was open to new experiences and would include Renee’s daughter on some family-style outings. One time he bought her daughter tickets to a show that was more suitable for a teenager. Rather than being frustrated by his faux-pas, they all laughed at the innocence of the gesture and were brought closer together. No matter what the result, Renee found herself tickled each time he left his comfort zone in the process of getting to know her. “Ultimately, it made me like him more.”

Francyne R. Ellison is a New York based motivational speaker, media advisor and a journalist who has worked on the staff of Honey, Heart & Soul, Savoy and People.