By Rachel Greenwald

Dear Rachel,
I’ve been dating a man for almost one year who is divorced and has two children. Coming from a traditional family, this is a situation I would never have imagined myself to be in. I really love this guy, but sometimes wonder if I can or should tolerate his “baggage.” Are the great connection, communication, and common lifestyle interests enough to carry us through the long haul? Although my boyfriend handles his “baggage” well, I would someday like to be married and have my own children. I wonder how much his past will interfere with our future.

Currently his children are four and six years old and live on the west coast with their mother (we live in New Jersey). Over the course of the last three years since their divorce, my boyfriend has been out to visit his children every couple of months for a long weekend, the children have visited him once (with their mother), and he talks with them on the phone frequently. They are very important to him, but right now they are not very much part of his daily life because of the distance (therefore, the children are not currently a factor in our relationship).

He is a great father, given the circumstances. These children are likely to spend more time with him in the future as they get older, but it’s impossible to know exactly what that will entail. I don’t want to make any more dumb mistakes regarding relationships. If you have any insight, I’m all ears!
-Marla in New Jersey

Dear Marla,
I think that love is rare and if you have found it with this man, you should try to tolerate his baggage. Love always involves compromise, and if it wasn’t this “baggage” concerning his two children and ex-wife, it would be other baggage. Love should also be reciprocal. Does he tolerate your “issues” too, whatever they are? Are you moody, a slob, in a bad relationship with a parent, or have any genetic medical issues that may come into play? Whatever your “issues” are, hopefully they will even out with his.

Being divorced with kids is so common at this age and there’s no guarantee the next guy you date won’t have a worse situation (such as an ex-wife who lives next door!).

One important thing now is to figure out where you are on his priority list. Most divorced men put their kids as #1 on their priority list, especially if the kids are young. This is normal. The question is: Are you #2, or are you lower on the list? Where on his list of priorities would you find his work, his parents, himself, sports, friends? Talk to him about this honestly. I would say that if you are #2 (at least the majority of the time), you’re in good shape.

The only caveat to the above paragraph is if you are the kind of person who always has to be #1 in your man’s life. It’s neither a good or bad thing if you are—you just need to know yourself well enough for an honest answer. Some women need to be #1 in their husband’s life (perhaps resulting from issues in their childhood or other insecurities), but other women need less attention and are fine being #2 after their children or step-children. Many of these latter women believe it’s an asset in the man’s personality to put his kids first, and that it implies he is the kind of caring person they want to be with.

So just know yourself well enough to understand what you need from a partner; it’s true that one day his kids could live closer to their father and I can promise you that they will be #1 on his priority list, probably daily. Most kids can be very needy. If you’re okay with that (it may be inconvenient at times, but may not be a deal-breaker), then he sounds like a keeper.

The bottom line? Hopefully you are gaining more overall from him than you are giving up.

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Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com.