By Alan Goldsher

Here’s a secret of the trade: Most blokes don’t like it when our girlfriends go on and on and on about how much they love either their male friends or their ex-boyfriends. We’d never let on that it gets to us — that’d blow our macho cover, and we really need you to believe we’re macho 24/7/365 — but, if a certain man possesses certain qualities, we get a bit insecure — maybe even scared. We’re talking specifically about…

1. His money
We could be pulling in a six-figure income, but when we hear about Mr. Fill-In-The-Blank’s six-figure salary, we automatically conclude that his six-figures put our six-figures to shame.

2. His looks
We’d all love to look like Brad Pitt. We don’t all look like Brad Pitt. About .00001% of us look like Brad Pitt. If you tell us that that rich guy you keep talking about is cute, we assume he’s among the .00001%. Pathetic, eh?

3. His electronics
Boys love toys. Like a jacked-up stereo. Like a plasma television. Like a top-shelf digital camera. Like a mobile with loads of silly features that we’d never use in a million years. If we’re informed that the rich, cute male-friend bought the new Roots Manuva CD, we imagine he’s playing the disc on his amazing sound system, whilst watching the Arsenal game in high-def, and simultaneously taking a digital photo of his cool new mobile.

4. His body
You women aren’t the only ones who stand in front of the mirror and pick apart your physique. When we learn that this paragon of wealth and masculinity goes to your gym, we picture him as having six-pack abs, godly arms, an arse of steel and legs of iron. We deal with that one of two ways: Join the gym as well, or go out immediately to buy a kebab and drown our sorrows in grease.

5. His auto
Even if we view it as simply a means of getting from one place to another, we don’t need to know about the cute, rich, fit bloke’s people carrier. It may be the same make as ours, but we presume it’s a more recent model worthy of David Beckham. We also suspect it’s red, which annoys us, because we tried to get a red one, and the dealer told us that red would take an extra month, so whenever we see a red motor of any kind, we get annoyed. But that’s another story…

6. His job
A large majority of us dislike our jobs. A small minority despise our jobs. A smaller minority love our jobs. If you report that the aforementioned god of a man works as, say, a barrister, our insecure selves picture him in a corner office with a great view, and a gorgeous assistant, gobsmacked by his sheer luck. Sigh.

7. His abode
Blame this one in part on “MTV Cribs.” Thanks to that addictive show, we now believe that bigger equals better, that ostentatious equals appealing. If we find out that he has a massive, high-tech penthouse overlooking the Thames, all of a sudden we don’t even want to invite you over to our third-storey flat that overlooks an east-end rubbish heap.

8. His lovemaking skills
This especially puts us out of sorts if it pertains to one of your exes. Play it safe, and don’t even touch on another man’s bedroom prowess. It’s just bad for everybody.

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Alan Goldsher’s advice columns have garnered a cult following of satisfied singles and the recently coupled. Alan — who, as a bassist, has recorded with Janet Jackson and Digable Planets — is the author of the novels “Jam” and “The Record Haus,” as well as the book, “Hard Bop Academy: The Sidemen of Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers.” Visit Alan at www.AlanGoldsher.com.