By Debbie Magids, Ph.D.

So, you’ve met a man. Actually, you’re “seeing” him, for months and months and months. As a matter of fact, by all standards, you’re a couple. He treats you very well. He’s considerate of your feelings. He listens to you, and tries to do things to make you happy. You’re together most evenings. You talk a couple of times a day. In fact, you see each other most Friday and Saturday evenings too. What’s more, you’ve met his friends and family. You’re not missing anything, but he hasn’t talked about the future with you. Everything’s so perfect, yet such a mess, without knowing for sure whether he’s committed. So why the uncertainty?

Women, by nature, want commitment. It’s in the genes. It’s the result of evolution. Man, on the other hand, evolved to disseminate his genes to as many women as possible. The socialisation of modern times, thank goodness, frowns upon that, which opens up the door to asking for commitment and closes the door to uncertainty. Of course, there’s a lot of doubt getting to that point, not to mention nerves, and those nerves lead to trepidation in deciding how, when, where, and if to have the “C” talk.

Here are five things to consider:

1. First, when’s the right time to have the “talk?” It’s when you’re uncomfortable with not having the talk and you begin to feel resentful that he hasn’t brought it up. What’s left unsaid can hurt a relationship just as much, if not more than, what is said. The talk of commitment itself is not going to make him want or not want the commitment. It’s simply going to lead you to the truth about the way he feels toward you and/or commitment.
2. Next, timing is everything. Don’t have the talk during an argument when you’re feeling hurt or angry about something else. Nor should you bring up such a sensitive matter when he’s stressed over something else in his life, such as work or family issues.
3. Have the talk when you’re feeling close, intimate, and connected, perhaps on a romantic getaway or over a drink. You want an atmosphere that is relaxed. This doesn’t guarantee getting the answer you want, but it gives you the best opportunity to hear the truth.
4. Keep in mind that the commitment talk happens in relationships because two people are in different places in their lives or have different time frames for when things should happen, not always because the commitment won’t happen.
5. Have the talk only if you are ready to hear the truth. If your man doesn’t feel ready for commitment, or ultimately doesn’t want to be committed to you, you have to be willing to let it (or him) go. For some women, having the talk will mean getting what they want, forward movement. For others, it will mean hearing what they didn’t want to hear and, perhaps, being forced to make a decision to stay in a relationship that is not moving forward or get out.

And what if he says he needs more time, doesn’t want to be forced to say or do anything?

Ask him how much time he needs. If it’s reasonable to you, consider taking the chance and waiting it out, or be ready to move on. But don’t stay and bring up the matter again and again before his reprieve is up. That will only force the relationship to become all about the lack of commitment.

Remember, having commitment in a relationship is your right. Bringing it up is scary because of the potential for rejection, but knowing what he feels — one way or the other — will set you free.

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Visit Debbie Magids, Ph.D. at www.drdebbiemagids.com.