Neil Sedaka was right. Breaking up is hard to do. The pain that

	Two potential deal breakers that have recently shot to the news forefront are marriage and children.

couples endure during the end of a relationship knows no lines of gender or sexual orientation. It’s equal opportunity. None of us are spared. But do the reasons for relationship breakups differ between straights and gays?

I’m not talking about relationships of a few months’ duration, although they can be very important in a person’s life. After all, the film 9 ½ Weeks didn’t strike a chord for nothing! But this article concerns relationships lasting a year or more.

If you research why couples break up, you’ll find that the main reasons are:

1. Money, specifically income differences, spending styles and different priorities.
2. Poor communication and conflict, including the triple-whammy of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
3. Infidelity.
4. Life changes and incompatibility.
5. Abuse of the Internet, a relatively new entry on this list that includes meeting a new lover online as well as obsessive interest in pornography.

But are gay and lesbian couples any different? We face money issues, partners changing and poor communication, too. God knows, we have our share of infidelity. Straight from my informal panel of wise gay men and lesbians who have loved, lost and learned a thing or two, I’ve found that there are a few gay and lesbian-centric reasons for breaking up.

Two potential deal breakers that have recently shot to the news forefront are marriage and children. Many gays and lesbians are just waking up to the idea that we can get married and have kids if we really want them. Many of us were raised in a world where marriage was out of the question and having a child meant getting a dog or cat. Now, marriage availability exposes commitment issues that might not have surfaced otherwise. Raising children forces us to consider responsibility and commitment in a whole new light.

In addition to the relatively new options of marriage and kids, what other gay and lesbian-centric challenges do we face in our quest to stay committed to our partners?

The Challenges for Gay Men
The Four D’s: Drugs, Dysfunction, Drinks and Drama. For some gay men, the four D’s are lures that sometimes interfere with our relationships. The still-predominant focus within gay male culture on youth, beauty and partying can be an overwhelming obstacle. With increasing numbers of stable male couples attesting to a growing maturity, nonetheless, we face disproportionate risks from a culture full of the four D’s.

Social A.D.D. Social A.D.D. is mostly an urban gay male phenomenon caused by too many options, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Sex saturates our advertising, media and cultural mindset. It’s easy for men to think that better options are around every corner, which interferes with commitment. Falling in love seems to happen spontaneously. Keeping the relationship fires burning, however, takes focus.

Big Male Egos: Mr. Titanic, Meet Mr. Iceberg. Men are socialized from birth to want what we want when we want it, and to aggressively pursue our goals. That’s a nice idea until you realize that two large male egos have a hard time fitting into one reasonable relationship. Unless there are some agreed-upon traditional roles, where one person is designated as the relationship caretaker, gay men have to work harder to accommodate each other’s egos and make a marriage of equals.

The Challenges for Lesbians
The Fast and Furious. As my friend Jamie says, “I know it’s a stereotype about lesbians that we tend to move in too fast; you

There’s a cost to not making sex and physical intimacy an ongoing, essential part of your relationship.

know, the whole U-haul thing. But where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” It’s a clear and present relationship danger to insufficiently assess them. Few relationships fail because they’re built too slowly. It’s important to view your partner as a real person, not as some romanticized quick fix.

The Dreaded “Lesbian Bed Death.” Lesbian bed death is the common term for what happens when two women’s sex life fizzles, despite an otherwise close emotional tie. Why does this happen? Some women I spoke with felt that cultural reasons prevented them from prioritizing sex enough upfront. One called this “The good girls don’t” theory. Good girls don’t demand that sex is a priority. Of course, sex isn’t the only key part of a relationship. I could argue that some gay men over-prioritize sex in the same way that some lesbians under-prioritize it. But there’s a cost to not making sex and physical intimacy an ongoing, essential part of your relationship. Denying that part of yourself can backfire. All of a sudden the ovaries flare, you are seized by lust and longing for another woman, and it’s too late to fix your relationship.

Not Accepting The Woman As-Is. Are women more likely to accept a partner upfront but secretly want to change her down the road? Some of the lesbians I spoke with said yes. Men might be tougher critics upfront. Certainly, the sex and relationship experts agree that men are visually oriented, focusing more on superficial characteristics. But if Joe Straight Man likes a woman, he might be less inclined to change her. Whereas, a woman might fall in love and yet harbor a secret agenda to shape and change her partner down the road. This can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

Dave Singleton is a freelance writer who frequently contributes to Happen magazine.