Josh’s solution: You could always challenge him to a duel. How’s your aim?

From your question, it sounds as though this woman still has feelings for her ex. Knowing this is the case, perhaps you may want to re-think a relationship with her in the first place. After all, if she’s still got him on the brain, she’s probably not that committed to you in the first place. When you two are intimate, whose name is she whispering? Hint: If it’s not yours, there’s a problem.

Of course, it may be that she just thinks she wants him back. Many people tend to view their exes—and the relationships with them—through rose-coloured glasses. This is especially true if their ex broke it off with them, rather than the other way around. What was the nature of the break up? If you don’t know, you should find out. If she broke up with him, make a point of demonstrating your special qualities, the things that drew her to you initially, to remind her what she’ll be missing if she leaves you for him.

Your job may be harder, however, if she was dumped and he’s now changed his mind. If this is the case, then she may still be carrying a blazing torch for him, and has been waiting up nights for that phone call begging for her to take him back after his “mistake.” I hesitate to advise you to really turn up the charm and begin reciting sonnets, lavishing her with gifts, and taking off for Parisian weekends: While these gambits may work temporarily, she really needs to want to be with you for you, not for how you compare with somebody else.

In the end, the choice she makes is probably the one you want her to make. If she picks him, then you never really had her. If she picks you, then you’ve won. And victory is sweet.

Jennifer’s solution: The question and Josh’s oh-so-sage advice remind me of that cheesy theory about love (or maybe it was stray cats…). It goes something like this: If you let her go and she comes back to you, she’s yours. If she doesn’t, she never was.

Hey, I said it was cheesy!

Anyway, my friend, your options are limited since a machine hasn’t yet been invented to control the human heart (and the spells I’ve tried haven’t worked their magic, either). And since you can’t control her feelings for you or her decidedly inferior ex, you can wait it out like Josh suggests and hope she realises that the good old days weren’t always good. You could also agree to let her simultaneously date the two of you, but I don’t recommend it. It’s hard for her to identify your singular qualities when she still is in close contact with you. And you and your emotions will take a beating.

And I hate to bring this up, but I feel it’s my duty as a dating columnist and a seasoned single person. Telling your date that you’re going back to your ex is a classic way to let someone down easy. I know. I’ve used it, as well as the oldies but goodies, “I’m moving across the country,” “I have to put all my time and energy into my career,” and “My life is too chaotic for me to date anyone right now.” For those of us who are passive-aggressive, an off-base excuse seems kinder than telling them the truth, i.e. “I can’t stand the sight of your naked body,” “I would like to be in a relationship, but not with you,” or simply, “It’s not me, it’s you.” Any honest rejection, no matter how kind, comes down to the fact that you don’t want to be with the person any longer. That hurts, so why not soften the blow? Well, a disingenuous declaration can allow hope to stay alive, when it would be better for the dumped date to move on.

So let her go and see what happens. If nothing else, she’ll appreciate and respect you for giving her space. And who knows? You might find her knocking at your door, having been yours all along.

* This column is for entertainment purposes only. It does not contain professional advice. The authors are not liable for any use or misuse of the information it contains. Do you have a question for Josh and Jen? Send it to us—including your name, email address and phone number in case we need more details. We reserve the right to edit your case and feature it in a future issue of Happen.