By Margot Carmichael Lester

Dear Margot,
My boyfriend’s a highly-functioning alcoholic. He excels at his job. He doesn’t beat me up or verbally abuse me. Nor is he a jerk when he’s drinking. But he drinks pretty much all the time when he’s not at work. Maybe even then, too; I’m not sure. After a year of this, I’m wondering if I want to share my life with my man and this habit. Should I encourage him to seek counseling, give him an ultimatum, or just leave now?
- Seeking One Sober in Salem, Ore.

Dear SOS,
I know how you feel. I was in a similar relationship once myself.

The key is to get clear about what’s best for you, not what’s best for your partner. Focus on what you want independent of who’s at your side. Then look at your partner to see if he’s capable of that kind of life. That right there might narrow your options.

Your compassion for your partner is admirable. So is your realization that you might want something better — even if it means living it without him.[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]According to the Centers for Disease Control, approximately 10.6 million American adults can be classified as alcoholics. Another 7.3 million either abuse alcohol or have experienced negative consequences from alcohol use such as arrest or involvement in an accident. You and your boyfriend are not alone.

Al-Anon calls alcoholism a family disease because it affects everyone who has a relationship with a drinker. People who are closest to the alcoholic often suffer the most. It’s hard not to make an abuser the center of your life as you constantly monitor what he does, where he goes and how much he drinks.

Like I did in my relationship, you may find yourself trying to control his drinking for him. You’ll probably also find that it’s not going to change his habits. So, let’s talk about the pros and cons of the three options you asked about:

1. Encourage him to seek counseling. Therapy helps many people break patterns and understand motivations, but it’s not a cure-all, and it’s not for everyone. It only works when the client really wants to change. You could suggest individual or couples counseling, but your boyfriend may only agree to it to keep you happy.
   TIP: If you choose counseling for yourself, do it because you realize you need some help with your own issues and behaviors. Don’t base your success on your partner’s progress.
2. Give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums are tempting, particularly when you think, “If he loves me, he’ll choose to change.” But how many times have you heard of an ultimatum actually working? It’s too easy for your partner to agree to the “do this or else” threat only to diffuse the situation. And since alcoholics are masters at hiding their abuse, how would you know if he’s drinking on the sly?
   TIP: Don’t make an idle threat. An ultimatum is only as effective as the ultimate consequence it represents. If you find a vodka bottle in the linen closet or smell liquor on his breath, you have to take immediate action. Otherwise, he’ll continue to drink knowing you’ll do nothing.
3. Leave. Abandoning an alcoholic when you’re deeply involved can be devastating (for you). Despite our misgivings, an alcoholic partner often becomes the center of our lives. Giving that up can knock you off balance. Be prepared for a range of emotions from relief to guilt to jubilation to yearning — and probably back to more guilt. To get through this, set up a support network that includes a therapist, close friends and perhaps a group like Al-Anon. This is the best way to make sure you truly leave the situation behind.
   TIP: Although it’s hard, you have to own up to why you stayed in the relationship as long as you did. Otherwise, you’re likely to make the same bad decision in the next one. Trust me on this one.

The most important thing to remember is that you can’t change your boyfriend’s behavior. You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. And even if he says he wants to change, there’s a chance that he won’t sustain any change he makes. The only person you have control over is yourself. That’s why you’ve got to do what makes the most sense for you.

Good luck with your decision-making. Let me know how it turns out.

Ask Yourself This: Where can I find help?
Cities with local information services are listed at Al-Anon.com. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. ET. Find a therapist specializing in co-dependency or addiction at 4Therapy.com.

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Margot Carmichael Lester began her career as a love and relationships columnist for Match.com in 2001. She knows what works – and what doesn’t – from decades of experience with romance. Adding to her Internet dating expertise is the fact that after years of searching for Prince Charming, she found him online and they’ve lived happily ever after ever since. Learn more about Margot or send her your own question to askmargot@match.com.