By Jim Sullivan

Dear Jim,
I broke up with my partner two months ago. We had a civil ceremony in Portland, Oregon in March of this year. In our final months together, all we did was fight, and when I decided to take a break and lived with a friend, I returned nine days later and found him with another man. I moved out, but still love him very much and struggle with the fact that the relationship didn’t work out. We speak almost daily and have maintained a friendship, which is hard for me, because I still have feelings for him. I know he is going out to the gay bars and pursuing other men. Since I left, he has lost his job and not had any luck finding a new position. He has been unable to pay his bills and rent and I fear he will lose his apartment and wind up homeless.

Furthermore, he has serious health issues and no insurance. We both relocated to West Hollywood and have only a few friends besides each other, so I know his options are limited. I paid most of his rent in September, but couldn’t afford to pay both his rent and mine after that. I’ve also taken him groceries and paid other bills for him when I could. I have offered to let him stay with me, but he refused because he does not want to get back together. He has mentioned escorting and doing adult films in order to pay his bills. He has also mentioned several times wanting to kill himself. I am extremely scared for him and don’t know what to do if he becomes homeless or resorts to illegal or immoral means of supporting himself. I can’t believe this is happening to the man I’m still partnered with and yet I can’t seem to save him! What can I do to help this situation? I fear the worst is unraveling before my eyes! Please help.
- Lost in We Ho

Dear Lost,
Though you’re still attracted to your ex, you’re finally getting the full picture of what’s really going on; this man is out of control. He has serious psychological problems and needs as much professional help as he can get now.

You probably rushed into this relationship without knowing what this guy was all about and forgot what you needed emotionally from another man. He has way too much baggage and makes a high-maintenance guy seem almost normal.

You need to ask yourself, “What attracted me to him?” If you don’t ask this question, you will go on repeating the same mistake over and over again — meeting emotionally unavailable men who are looking for someone (a daddy?) to save them from growing up.

I hate to say this during the holiday season, but your ex may have to hit his own “bottom” (as they say in the 12-step programs) before he seeks help. This does not preclude you from assisting him in getting immediate personal therapy; you may even have to make an appointment for him and take him to the therapist or a support group the first time (call or visit the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center where they will help you with referrals.) Once you’ve done your part, he needs to follow through and take responsibility for future actions.

Your ex is a dependent personality. He doesn’t have the capacity to function without a dominant person providing direction. Basically, he does not trust his own ability to make decisions, as he is unable to meet the ordinary demands of life.

This is one of the most difficult lessons for anyone to learn when dealing with dysfunctional partners/friends/family — we can’t change them, but we can give them loving support and detach with love and hope for the best.

Get yourself to a gay or gay-friendly Al-Anon meeting in Los Angeles (www.alanonla.org) and share openly about your past relationship(s).You may fit into the role of “fixer” and codependent. You’re certainly not alone!

Fixers use expressions like, “You know what you need?” Let me do that for you.” “I really think you should do it this way.” Fixers want to run the relationship. Fixers give the appearance of being benevolent and self-sacrificing, but really want to control. The fixer/fixee dynamic is the launching pad for a codependent relationship.

I believe you had an idealized image of what a partnership would be with this man. You imagined becoming this great couple once you had a ceremony and moved in with each other. But it didn’t work out that way; instead, you started to fight on daily basis and your dream was turning into a nightmare as your collective character defects came out of the woodwork!

Some couples think that if they need couples counseling early in the partnership, the relationship is doomed. On the contrary; in most cases, when couples seek out short-term counseling sooner rather than later, there’s a much better chance the relationship will get back on track again.

In the future, I recommend a much longer “engagement” time before a civil or religious commitment ceremony. Here are just a few of the questions couples need to ask of each other before taking vows:

1. Why do you want to be in a partnership?
2. Are you committed to monogamy?
3. What was your childhood like? (How was affection shown? How was anger expressed?)
4. How would you describe yourself? How does your boyfriend see you?
5. Do you want to have children?
6. How do you handle conflict? If there is a problem, are you willing to talk about it?

As for yourself, don’t date for a minimum of six months. Start developing a new network of friends in West Hollywood and get some one-on-one therapy where you can work on issues of codependency and how it affects your choice of men.

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Jim Sullivan coaches gay singles on dating and relationship issues and is the author of Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy’s Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love. He has 25 years counseling experience and holds masters degrees in counseling from New York University and in religious studies from Manhattan College. Jim has encouraged singles to “make the challenge of dating a positive experience” through appearances on Metro TV’s Naked New York, BBC’s That Gay Show and makes regular guest appearances on SIRIUS Satellite Radio’s Derrick and Romaine Show. You can learn more about Jim at www.boyfriend101.com or you can send him your own question at askjim@match.com.