Keeping in touch with your ex
By Laura Schaefer
Read the Article at russellgrant.match.com
Keeping in touch with your ex
By Laura Schaefer
No one ever said that trying to be friends with an ex would be easy. In fact, many experts will tell you it’s nearly impossible. Depending on the two people involved, however, post- breakup friendship doesn’t have to be a myth. With sensitivity, boundaries, and patience, you can keep an ex comfortably in your life. Heed the following tips to make it easier.
- Question your motives. There are good reasons and bad reasons to stay friends with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Bad reasons include hanging on in the hopes that you’ll get back together at any moment, keeping him or her around to stroke your ego, or maintaining some sort of relationship so you have “backup” in case other prospects fail. Make sure that your desire to remain friends comes from mutual respect or shared interests.
- Set boundaries. Obviously, your relationship as friends will be very different than you relationship as lovers. It will take some energy to change your dynamic. One clear way to do it is to set boundaries about how you spend time together. The physical part of your relationship is over, so keep things on a “friends” plane by hanging out during the day or including other people in your activities.
- Stick to your proclamations. When fashioning a new kind of relationship with your ex, you have to be consistent. If you send mixed messages about what you want, no friendship will be possible. This means sticking to your guns about the amount of time you spend together and no late-night “I’m lonely” phone calls.
- Respect the needs of your ex. Friendship between exes is only healthy if both people are comfortable with it. If your ex just isn’t ready or just isn’t interested, don’t press the issue. Sure, it might be very unnatural to go from sharing everything with a person to nothing, but sometimes cold turkey is the only thing that works. Talk it out with him or her and be honest about how you both see a friendship unfolding.
- Ease into full disclosure. Some exes can comfortably talk about new loves right away; some need time to get used to this kind of sharing. Ask your ex if he or she is ready to hear about all the parts of your life. If not, you can always mention the chilly weather we’ve been having. Keep in mind, however, that if your dating life is a strictly verboten topic, your “friendship” is slightly suspect.
- Be careful about time. How much time do “normal” exes spend together when they make the switch to friendship? Listen to your gut on this one. If you’re hanging out three times a week, you won’t meet a new romantic partner. This much contact means you’re having trouble breaking out of your comfort zone. Try for once or twice per month.