By Margot Carmichael Lester

Too many singles wait around hoping someone else will make the first move. They’re too shy, too insecure, or too afraid of rejection. So they spend their days and nights sitting on the sidelines, pining away while other people make the love connections.

But it doesn’t have to be like that. Shyness isn’t a debilitating social disease; it’s a trait that can be managed. You can learn to control shyness by having a plan, according to Sandra Gordon, co-author of The Shy Single (Rodale Press).

One easy way to lower the pressure is to plan dates carefully. “Drawing from past experience, assess where and when you’ve dated in which you felt comfortable, and where you felt miserable, and use that to have a general idea of your best dating venues. Then, try to steer future dates in that direction.”

Loads of shy people tend to feel more comfortable when they plan early dates for venues where there are other people around, such as museums, bookstores and parks. There are plenty of people and things to react to and interact with in these settings. By contrast, restaurants, bars and coffeehouses aren’t recommended because, even though you’re surrounded by other people, the actual interaction is very one-on-one.[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]For most reluctant daters, a change of venue would be enough to get over the hump and get into the game. But for others, fear keeps them from even getting started. Gordon says there are three common obstacles to feeling comfortable if you’re terribly shy or insecure.

Problem: You dread entering the room or making first contact.
Solution: Rehearse. Develop some easy small talk such as, “Hi, I’m Doug’s neighbor, Bette,” or “I’m Tom. How’s that hors d’oeuvre?” Visualize yourself walking up to people at a party and interacting with them. Maybe even practice on some friends so your delivery is good.

Problem: Circuit overload — once you make contact, you either talk too much because you’re nervous, or you say too little because your brain has shut down.
Solution: Breathe. It’s amazing what great, relaxing benefits a simple breath can have. Yet, many of us forget to take one. After delivering your opening line, take a breath while the other person responds. It not only keeps you calm, but it gives you time to think of something else to say.

Problem: Payback mode — if the interaction reminds you of an unsatisfying social situation in your past, you’ll immediately try to make up for it by either checking out or punishing the innocent person you’re talking to.
Solution: Get real. Just because a situation feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s déj