By Bob Strauss

As you’ve probably discovered by now, men and women have very different concepts of what makes for a successful first date. If you’re a guy, just making it to the end of dinner without spilling your drink means you’ve practically scored; women, however, tend to pay more attention to complicated stuff like courtesy, conversation, and charisma. To get some insight into the female perspective, we convened a roundtable of single, successful, 20-something women and asked them to tell us the truth.

Our panel:
Moira, 24, junior account executive
Jessie, 24, sales coordinator
Kelsey, 29, non-profit fundraiser
Helen, 25, medical assistant
Rachel, 26, accountant
Laura, 27, assistant account executive

Q: OK, that guy you gave your phone number to —whether online or at a party — has just met you for your first official date. What’s the first thing you notice?

Moira: How mature or immature he is. One guy I met didn’t even know how to go out on a date—say, how to ask me out, what to say during the date. He wasn’t an initiator, and he seemed very young in that regard—he reminded me of my little brother.

Jessie: A little cockiness helps. If a guy talks too much out of nervousness or if his voice cracks, that’s a turnoff. C’mon, it’s just a date!

Kelsey: It’s important for a guy to treat people well. If he’s really disrespectful, that’s a turnoff. I once dated a guy who was impatient in restaurants and actually snapped his fingers to get service.

Helen: How confident he is. That really comes through.[$MSN.ARTICLE.CTALINKS$]Q: What do you mean, “confident”?

Rachel: Confidence means someone who’s OK with what he is—his looks, his personality, his background. If you’re confident, you’re talkative, and girls like a guy who can be a smooth talker. A guy either has to be relaxed and confident, or he has to be good at faking it.

Q: Does that have anything to do with what he does for a living?

Kelsey: No. Don’t ever namedrop where you work. Don’t just throw stuff out. Wait till she asks. That stuff doesn’t matter as much as guys think it does.

Laura: But if you live with your parents?

Kelsey: That’s a huge thing here in New York, how much you earn. The expectations are much higher, and that’s sad. I was never like this until I moved here.

Laura: But it’s not just resources, it’s ambition and potential, too. If a guy is a bartender, maybe it’s what he’s doing now, like “I’m bartending because I’m putting myself through law school.”

Moira: Not even a rich guy is impressive if he doesn’t have ambition.

Q: Does it matter where he takes you? Or whether he pays for the date?

Kelsey: Paying for the meal is a must. On the first date, never let her pay. If you’re not willing to pay for a girl on a date, don’t ask her out in the first place. But it’s nice if the girl offers to pay for, say, parking, even though I think we don’t want you to really take us up on the offer!

Moira: Whether or not he pays shows how the relationship will go. I hate it when a guy’s like, “Why don’t we split this?” College boys are like that.

Q: And the restaurant? Does it make a big difference to you?

Jessie: It depends on what type of date you’re having—if you’ve met in a casual atmosphere, a casual restaurant is fine.

Rachel: I had a guy take me to a five-star restaurant on our third date—I was like, you don’t take someone here this soon!

Kelsey: It’s also how he behaves in the restaurant. If you don’t open a door, you don’t know how to be a gentleman. Show concern. Ask her if she wants another drink, and don’t chug your own drink. A date is even more awkward when one person is drunk and one isn’t.

Rachel: Oh, and if you pick her up in your car, make sure your car is clean. If you don’t want to clean it, pick her up in a taxi.

Q: What about his behavior during the date?

Kelsey: If a guy’s not going to go out of his way to focus on you for the night, that’s a deal-breaker. I expect to be the center of attention. It’s like going to a job interview, except both people are nervous.

Moira: Touching is always a good sign—it’s huge. Just a little touch on the wrist, that kind of thing. Not groping! And little compliments.

Kelsey: Whatever you do, don’t ever compare this date to your last date. That’s when you know a guy has baggage. On the other hand, it is important to hear about past relationships, because that tells you what kind of man he is.

Q: OK, so the guy doesn’t meet your standards. What next?

Moira: Phase it out. Let it die. After two or three dates, you don’t owe him an explanation. After a year, maybe.

Kelsey: You have to make excuses.

Rachel: I’ll say, “I don’t want a boyfriend right now.” Which is true. I don’t want him as a boyfriend, but keeping it general — I hope — will be less hurtful than saying, “I don’t want to date you.”

New York-based writer Bob Strauss is the author of Who Knew? Hundreds & Hundreds of Questions & Answers for Curious Minds. Email him your thoughts here. For the male perspective on best first-date moves, read Women: Best first-date dos.