The editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan reveals the new rules for love, sex and finding Mr. Right—and some juicy details about her own life!
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Your new book, How to Set His Thighs on Fire: 86 Red-Hot Lessons on Love, Life, Men, and (Especially) Sex, has tons of great tips for today’s dating world. What are the biggest trends you’re seeing? |
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The overall trend is that women are less inclined to sit around and romantically wait for love to find them. They’re taking the bull by the horns, whether it’s by going on the Internet, asking friends to set them up or trying things like “singles night” at a day spa. |
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What’s the one dating rule a woman should never break? |
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You should let him do the chasing and the pursuing. If you’ve had a good first date, you just have to resist picking up the phone, emailing, text messaging or sending him a card. Have your hands cuffed behind your back if necessary! Because men really are hardwired to pursue. After eight years at Cosmo if I know anything, it’s that. Unfortunately guys today send mixed messages, and they do like it when you do a little bit of pursuing. For example, it’s OK to approach him at a party, and say something cute like “I’m taking a poll, do you even know the host?” But you should just do a tiny, tiny bit of pursuit and then back off. |
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What’s the one dating rule a woman should break? |
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Women are often told to encourage the guy to talk, to ask him a million questions. But I think guys are interested in hearing you talk, too. They’re using that date to get a sense of you, so you telling great stories and talking about yourself can be very enticing |
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Does the “three-date rule” still exist? |
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To be on the safe side, you should know that the three- or four-date rule does exist, because a lot of guys still feel “if she gives it up to me too early, it means she’s done that for everybody.” But then if you wait too long he’ll think there’s something weird going on. But there are lots of women who wind up marrying the guy they went to bed with on the first date. So trust your gut, but if you have any doubt wait three or even four dates. |
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Where’s the best place to meet a guy? The worst? |
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The best places are online and through friends, because you’re starting with a sense of who the person really is. One of my best friends met her husband on Match.com, and she said to me, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet someone who loves Graham Greene as much as I do.” She was able to find out right away that they had that common interest. So wherever you can meet someone by starting with information about his essence you’re a few steps ahead. The worst places are bars and parties where you have very little info on the guys there. |
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If you’re a 35-year-old woman who wants to get married and have a kid, is this a reason to worry? |
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Having gotten married in my thirties, I always tell women that if you’re feeling a little panic because of that damn biological clock, you should know that everything is sort of microwaved in the dating world at this age. If you meet the right guy, he’s also realizing, “Hey, I’m 35, let’s move it along.” So you’re more likely to have sped-up relationships and short engagements. I was married eleven months after I met my husband. |
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How can you tell if a guy’s ready to settle down? |
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You can tell very quickly where a man is on that issue. It’s the guy who doesn’t wait a week to call; he calls in 48 or 72 hours. And he quickly moves it up to seeing you two or three nights a week, not just once a week. But sluggish behavior is a clear sign that he’s not there yet. |
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What should a single person do if she’s in a major dating dry spell? |
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You have to shake the bushes, and don’t think it’s unromantic to do something proactive. When I was divorced in my thirties, I felt I’d run through all the single men my friends knew and I was in a real doldrums, and I asked one single woman, “How do you meet guys?” And she said “Entertain in your home,” which I thought was really odd. But I took her advice and started giving all these Sunday night dinner parties, which made me top of mind and made people ask me to things in return. Many guys I wound up dating could be traced back to those Sunday night dinner parties. |
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Celeste Perron is the author of Playing House: A Starter Guide To Being A Grown-up.
To read an excerpt from Kate White’s new book, How to Set His Thighs on Fire: 86 Red-Hot Lessons on Love, Life, Men, and (Especially) Sex, click here. |
Q&A With…Teresa Strasser