Q&A WithElina Furman
By Cate Mitchell
Read the Article at russellgrant.match.com
Q&A With…Elina Furman
By Cate Mitchell
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Typically, commitment-phobia is considered more of a male trait, but in your new book Kiss And Run, you’re arguing that many women are commitment-phobes, too. Why? |
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For single women today, there is the idea of unlimited choices. They can go online and find a new guy every single day. With so many choices, it becomes harder and harder to pick just one person to settle down with. There’s also this notion that women have of “knowing” that they’ve met the perfect guy, but for many women it’s not so simple. For some, there are no light-bulb moments or signs from above that this is the guy for them. |
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Why are women today so scared to settle down? |
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Today’s women are much more likely to be commitment-phobic because the stigma of being single is almost completely gone. They can play the field, travel the world, and not be judged negatively for their choices. Women today are also much more financially stable and find themselves postponing marriage due to work and other social commitments. |
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How can a woman figure out of she is commitment phobic or if she just hasn’t met the right guy? |
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It’s important to stop looking at love like a lottery. As with most things, you create your own luck by making good decisions and working hard. Look at your patterns. If a women is constantly talking about how she’s dying to be in a relationship and then finds that no guy is ever good enough for her, that’s a definite sign that she needs to look within herself and find out why she’s scared of commitment. |
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Do you think women who are “picky” and have a long list of must-have traits are commitment-phobes at heart? |
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Yes, absolutely. The longer one is single, the higher the stakes become; the longer the shopping list grows. Many single women figure they’ve waited this long to settle down, so unless the guy has everything they’re looking for, it’s not worth it to them. It’s important to pare down your list to the essentials, such as chemistry, personality, and compatible life goals. You need to keep an open mind, because while he may not be the “dream” guy you’re looking for, he may end up being so much more. |
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If you’re dating a commitment-phobe, does that automatically mean that you’re one too? |
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Yes, it does take one to know one. And this golden rule applies to women I call Tinkerbells, those who get involved with emotionally unavailable men. Dating men who are completely unavailable is the best way to ensure that they, too, never have to make a commitment. And that’s why they pick these guys in the first place, because they don’t pose a significant threat to their single status. |
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What are some more surprising signs of a commitment-phobe—is she the woman who cheats to drive a guy away? Is she the woman who gets bored once a relationship settles in? |
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Yes, these women tend to be a bit passive in how they exit relationships, so it’s not uncommon for her to act out by cheating, arguing, and nit-picking to get her partner to break up with her. But one of the most surprising signs of commitment panic is forming all-consuming, high-school crushes. It’s very common for women who are getting engaged or about to make a commitment to form inappropriate crushes on their next door neighbor, a boyfriend’s boss, or a bartender. |
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If a woman finds she is commitment phobic, how can she change? |
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The first step is to stop pointing fingers at men and start looking at all the ways in which you avoid commitment. No growth can happen unless a woman takes responsibility for her actions and decisions. Some general tips are to stop overanalyzing your relationships, make friends with your anxiety, avoid toxic friends who have a stake in keeping you single, and stop dismissing men because they don’t fit all of your criteria. |
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If you’re a guy who’s dating this type of woman, should you bail or try to work it out? |
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If you’re with a woman who’s having doubts or is scared of commitment, you need to give her plenty of space to figure out her issues. Reassure her that these doubts are normal and that you, too, worry about taking the leap. The most important thing is to create a pressure-free zone so she can figure out her issues. Being supportive but not smothering is the best strategy. |
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Cate Mitchell is a New York City-based freelance writer.
Stayed tuned for an excerpt of Elina Furman’s new book, Kiss And Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl’s Guide To Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment, next week on Happen. |
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