By Analise Pendergast

Rumor has it that gays have more fun, but do they also have the edge when it comes to having quality relationships? Maybe so, according to University of Washington’s Dr. John Gottman and U.C. Berkeley’s Dr. Robert Levenson. The two psychology professors conducted an extensive 12-year study of straight and gay couples, which led to some intriguing conclusions. “When it comes to emotions, we think these [gay] couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” says Gottman.

The study followed 84 couples, half heterosexual, half homosexual. All couples had been together at least two years prior to participating in the study, and all reported roughly comparable estimates of their overall sense of happiness and satisfaction with their relationships. Insights on how couples got along and dealt with conflict were gathered in a variety of ways, including repeated interviews, written self-evaluations, and videotapes of the couples having discussions and arguments.

While all couples, straight or gay, develop their own unique communication and negotiation styles, the strengths and weaknesses of those styles are perhaps most apparent during times of conflict. In the world according to the Gottman/Levenson study, heterosexual couples might stand to take a pointer or two from members of the other team, for instance:

Lighten up. Gottman and Levenson observed that gays and lesbians tended to take a more easygoing approach when engaged in a conflict and tended to remain more positive in the aftermath of a disagreement than straight couples. “If you compared how a person presented a problem in same-sex relationships, they showed less belligerence, less domineering, less sadness, less whining, and more affection, humor and joy” than straight participants, relayed Gottman.

Play fair. Researchers also determined that gay and lesbian couples employedfewer controlling or hostile emotional maneuvers during an argument than did theirheterosexual counterparts. While competitiveness, criticism and domineering behaviors were more commonly seen in arguments between straight partners, a sense of fairness and balance of power more typically characterized the quarrels of same-sex pairs.

Say what you mean. The issue of sex is famous for being a point of contention amongst couples of any persuasion. Gay and lesbian couples tended to talk more honestly and openly about their sex lives than heterosexuals. Gottman observes, “What is interesting is when we videotape a heterosexual couple talking about lovemaking, you have no idea what they are talking about.”

Keep your cool. Straight participants were more inclined to get physiologically worked up during a disagreement, experiencing rising heart rates, sweating, and other symptoms of stress. Not only can these stress reactions raise the temperature on a heated argument, but they also necessitate a longer cool-down period once the conflict has subsided. Same-sex couples did not tend to get as physiologically aggravated and were generally able to calm down and make up sooner following a spat.

A couple comprised of two women or two men may communicate more like simpatico peas in a common pod, while a male/female couple may communicate more like unique planets orbiting a common sun. In these changing times, when heterosexual pairs are no longer the only ones requesting legitimacy in the eyes of the law and of society at large, couples from either camp may be able to learn valuable lessons from one another. Gay or straight, as long the respect is mutual and the love is true, it’s all good.